I was having a casual conversation with a stranger in a
coffee shop and the subject of suicide was brought up. She said to me, “Did you
know the highest rate for teen suicide in the country is Fort Collins CO?” I
took her word for it that she knew what she was talking about and did not look
it up. I believed her because years ago, I had a suicidal night while I was living
in Fort Collins.
It was the darkest night of my life so far. I could not go
on living anymore. At least that is how I was feeling then. I struggled to make
my world right, and it seemed to be wrong every time. I want a do over.
People say suicide is the coward’s way out and it is a very
selfish act. I agree its selfish, but it is the self that is tormented. There
is no room for considering what others may be thinking. You want to make my
torture about you? Butt out, this is my crisis! When I am dead, I won’t care
anymore.
“A coward’s way out”, I don’t agree. It takes the ultimate
bravery to step into what’s next. Death is coming to all living things. What
happens next is a mystery. It may not be like corporate spiritual institutions
would have you believe. The human consciousness is just one tiny aspect of this
universe. Selling plots in the afterlife sounds like an awesome business plan
and doesn’t even have to be true.
Recently a couple musical celebrities, died by their own
hands. That makes all of us ask “Why?” They had money, fame, everything. Yes,
they did and they also had their demons. The lifelong companions that scratch
and tear at a soul as long as it takes. Sometimes they win.
The stigma of suicide is that everyone that even attempts it
is suffering from some form of mental illness. Sometimes mental illness can be
just as terminal as cancer. The end result is the same.
Terminal medical patients make their decisions to die very
soberly, and with a lot of oversight. I am a big supporter of assisted suicide
for terminal conditions. Another example is the Samurai of Japan, they performed
many ritual suicides when the situation called for it. They were honor bound.
A hero may give his/her life in sacrifice to save others.
That is still choosing to die. I guess since death is inevitable for us, we
really should think about how we want to go out. I do miss the people I have
known that have committed suicide. I miss the people I have known that have
died when they wanted to live. We miss our loved ones that have passed
regardless of how it happens.
That night in Fort Collins, I was suicidal. I had no idea about the
future. In my anguish, all I could see was Death waving me closer. I laid on
the floor and sobbed inconsolably well into the early morning. I wanted to die,
but was too afraid to move. I fell asleep on the floor. When I woke up, I was
breathing hope. Every conscious breath I felt better. I did not end my life
that night in Fort Collins. I didn’t have what it took to do it. When I think
about it, sometimes I think that I was a coward. I still wanted to live. A lot
has happened since then. My youngest daughter was born. I started my career in stand-up
comedy.
Death is a harsh reality. I would try to help someone in
crisis. I know what it’s like.
